im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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