cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I supernannyed him into submission
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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