I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
