I cannot find my penis.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I could fuck to npr.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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