First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
