My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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