Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
