I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
