Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
