2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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