Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
