he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
