The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
