I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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