Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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