Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
