how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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