Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
