i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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