I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
