The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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