May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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