why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...