I wish my penis had an off switch
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize