and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
