So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
