eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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