It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
