Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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