I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
