Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
