Screwed.edu
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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