I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
