I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the day after is always just damage control
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
