I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
