Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
