he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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