He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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