Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
