Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
