you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
