Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
