just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
