We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
