Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
