Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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