the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
