Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
