fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
