I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
