You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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