I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
