You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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