i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
