Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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