my phone needs a breathalizer
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
