I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
